I started feeling frustrated with regard to the time I had spent making and packing theses lunches, angry for the  amount of food that was being wasted, and annoyed at my daughter’s lack of interest in nourishing her body. Some of that I understand. At seven years old, I don’t think I was too interested in nourishing my body. Learning to take care oneself is a long process.

But I was frustrated with the thought that I was wasting time and money on food that ended up in the garbage. The lunch situation wasn’t working for me, and it didn’t seem to be working for Elia, either.

So a couple of months ago she and I brainstormed some some options intended to make school lunch more efficient and enjoyable:

• I could continue making her lunches and just make sure they were her favorite foods: bread, macaroni and cheese, pretzels, cereal, juice and just about any dessert imaginable. (Nutritionally speaking, that didn’t work for me.)
• She could buy the school lunch if she’d rather eat what they serve. (She would rather not.)
• Whatever she doesn’t eat in her lunch, she could eat for her snack when she gets home.
• She could skip lunch altogether and I’d make her a large, healthy snack when she got home.
• She could pack her own lunch with things she knows she likes and that I know meet her nutritional needs.

The one we agreed to try was the last one; Elia would make her own lunch everyday. If she forgets, she will either eat the school sandwich option or skip lunch and just have a snack when she gets home.

At first, her ideal list of lunch choices were the ones listed above and included more sugar than I deemed necessary or acceptable. We bantered with, “How about this?” and “I’m not OK with that” until we settled on a few protein main courses and a few nutritionally dense sides. It turns out that, between Elia and I, mutually agreeable foods do exist!

Main courses:

• Peanut butter and jelly sandwich
• Ham and cheese sandwich
• Leftover pizza

Sides:

• Apple slices
• Pistachios
• Carrot sticks
• Snap peas
• Honey yogurt

Desserts (if I happen to have anything made):

• Nut bars
• Dark chocolate pudding
• Oatmeal flax bars

The list is small but growing. Most importantly, everyone’s needs are met, and lunchtime is not a source of strife for either of us. Elia eats the food she prepares for herself, and all of the options are ones that I’m OK with. She is learning how to put together a balanced meal for herself, and is proud to be able to take care of herself in this way.

This morning’s loaf, sprouted wheat:

Huckleberry jam goes under the peanut butter.

Packing it up!

And a dessert/ snack that we all agree on; grain-free dark chocolate nut bars:

1 cup almonds

1 cup hazelnuts

1 1/2 cups pecans

2/3 cup flax meal

2/3 cup unsweetened shredded coconut

1/4 cup almond butter

1/2 tsp. salt

1 1/2 tsp. blackstrap molasses

1/2 cup dried cranberries

1/4 cup melted coconut oil

1/2 cup dark chocolate chips

Process everything except the oil and chocolate in a food processor until the consistency is fairly smooth (about 20-30 seconds). Drizzle in the oil until a coarse paste forms. Press into a greased 8 x 8 pan. Melt chocolate chips in microwave or small saucepan over low heat and drizzle on bars. Chill at least 1 hour.

I cut mine into small bars and keep them stored in a container in the fridge. It’s a win-win-win for the kids and I breakfast, snack, or dessert!

Seven years is a significant milestone in child development. Many psychologists divide childhood into various stages of  different types of development, and they all seem to agree on the seven year change. Which, incidentally, can be a difficult age for kids, filled with emotional ups and downs, as they are experiencing several kinds of developmental milestones at once. By age seven…

Children have gone through 2 out of 4 stages of cognitive development.

• Sensorimotor (ages 0-2) in which learning comes from sensory perceptions and motor activities.
• Preoperational (ages 2-7) in which thinking occurs through symbols and language. Memory and imagination are strongly developed during this stage. Jean Piaget’s stages of cognitive development

Children have gone through 3 out of 8 stages of social development.

• Trust vs. Mistrust (ages 0-18m) is about learning trust in those who care for you. Being able to trust caregivers means being able to trust the world.
• Autonomy vs. Doubt (ages 18m-3y) is about children venturing out and asserting their will. A child in this stage develops self-sufficient behaviors and a strong sense of autonomy.
• Initiative vs Guilt. (ages 3-6) is about the development of courage and independence. A child builds upon her sense of autonomy by beginning and completing actions for a purpose. Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development)

Children have gone through all six stages of attachment with a primary caregiver.

• Being With (age 0-1). The most basic level of attachment, this age is about engagement. Engaging the senses, touching, holding, cuddling, feeding, eye contact, smiling, giving nonverbal cues.
• Being Close (age 1-2).  Realizing what we have in common. We understand how we are similar, our commonalities, shared interests. Gordon Neufeld calls this stage “samesies.”
• Being on the Same Side (age 3-4). We come to develop a sense of belonging and loyalty. A child knows, “I belong here with you. We are together and are on the same side.”
• Being Held Dear (age 4-5). At this level of attachment, a child feels significant. “I matter to you. I have an important place here.”
• Being Loved (age 5-6). Children understand that beyond being the same and being held dear, they are loved. It comes from the heart; to be loved is a feeling of great emotion. Kids need to feel loved above all.
• Being Known (age 6-7). The final stage of a child’s attachment is when things get personal. At this point, a child feels trust, significance, love, commonalities, belonging…that is, they feel close enough to divulge deeply personal information. They want to share their secrets, their fears, their anger, their hopes, and their dreams. “To tell you everything is to know me.” Gordon Neufeld’s Six Stages of Attachment

There’s a lot to be said for the adage, “Give me a child until he is seven, and I will give you the man.” So much brain development occurs in the first seven years of life! The neural pathways that form create a foundation for lifelong behavior, learning, and relationships.

Elia, thank you for these first seven years! Thank you for giving my life new purpose, and thank you for shining light in this world.

Two days.

One.

Two.

Two and a half.

Three.

Four. And the teeth started coming out.

Five. Glasses and a couple of loose top teeth.

Five and a half. Teeth are falling out left and right.

By the time kindergarten started, eight teeth lost.

Seven. What a sweetheart, so grown up! Happy birthday baby girl, though not a baby anymore for sure!

Here is a list of encouraging phrases to say to kids. Some of these examples fit many kinds of scenarios, and others are responses I’ve said to my kids about something specific that happened. I try to say these kinds of things daily, and, once I understood what makes a response encouraging (as opposed to praising, belittling, fixing, etc.), it’s actually not very difficult to fit them into conversation.

Every day my kids have opportunities to feel proud and to want me to encourage them even further. But rather than say, “Good job, that makes me so happy,” I try to find a way to focus it on their efforts. In short, encouraging statements keep the task/ action/ problem/ accomplishment about the child, not about the parent.

Every positive discipline tool is designed to encourage chidden, help them feel capable, and connect us closer to each other. All of these phrases acknowledge and appreciate something positive about a child and are encouraging words to hear:

• I love you.
• I’m sure you can find a way to solve this problem.
• Boy, you worked so hard on that! It really shows.
• I have faith in you to figure it out.
• I know you don’t like doing this, and I thank you for doing it anyway. It really helps.
• The amount of detail you added to this drawing makes it seem so life-like.
• You must feel so proud of yourself right now!
• Your eyes easily spotted the quickest way through that maze.
• I noticed that you’ve been working hard at cutting your own food.
• You did it!
• Thank you for putting all of our towels in the laundry. It helps us get ready much faster.
• Trust yourself.
• It sounds like your body is trying to tell you something.
• I noticed how long you stuck with that.
• You have the right to feel angry.
• I can tell that some special mom/ dad time would help you right now.
• How do you feel about what you accomplished?
• I appreciate your cooperation.
• Thanks for helping.
• What do you think?
• What do you need to do to accomplished your goal?
• I’m listening.
• That was hard for you; thank you!
• I can see you are really angry right now, and that’s OK.
• What would you do about it?
• I just want to sit and be close to you for a few minutes.
• It’s OK to be sad.
• I appreciate you setting the table so neatly.
• Wow!
• I know you are upset. I would be too.
• You can try again tomorrow.
• What is your understanding of what needs to happen?
• Your piggy bank is getting really full; it must have taken you a long time to save all that.
• You decide.
• I have faith that we can find a respectful solution.
• Look at what you’ve accomplished!
• You are capable.
• Thank you for getting dressed so quickly.
• I noticed you gave your toy to that boy when he was sad. I bet it helped him feel better.
• What is your plan for getting this done?
• I’m sorry.
• I love you.
• You lead the way.

I flipped through this book at the counter of our local toy store the other day. It’s a humorous take on the classic “Goodnight Moon,” which my kids and I have read together countless times. And it is funny; an apt exaggeration of how virtuality has replaced so much of what is “real.”

But it makes me a little sad, too. That our world has become so plugged in that there exists a market for this kind of parody. That there exist gadgets for reading and being read to, for listening to music and making music, and for communicating with people without having to see or talk to them.

So many gadgets, so short a childhood.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the convenience of technology as much as anyone. Our family certainly has our share of gadgets. But the idea of “Goodnight iPad” does hit close to home for us.

Me: Goodnight iPad.

JJ: Nooooooooooooooooo!

Not quite, but pretty close. The difference is I’m not smiling when I pry the iPad out of JJ’s hands.

Recently, we’ve been keeping closer tabs on our screen time, both grownups’ and kids’. It has become way too easy to allow some type of screen to keep us entertained on a whim. Between iPhone, iPod, iPad, laptop, and the good-old-fashioned TV, our kids are always only a finger touch away from easy entertainment. When they’re bored, it is only too easy for them to turn on a device instead of playing with toys.

And it’s too easy for me to want to. When days are filled with stress (either theirs or mine) because of school, work, household tasks, or the emotional upheaval of a 5-year-old’s growth spurt, it’s tempting to turn on a device that will allow them to relax, keep them busy, and stop the bickering. Gadgets are always an easy solution to stress.

But when we start to become dependent on them, something needs to change. When I say, “No iPad today,” and they don’t know what else to do with themselves, something needs to change. It means they’ve become to accustomed to a screen as their go-to to-do, and that needs to change.

I used to read the AAP’s recommendations for appropriate amount of screen time for young kids and think, “Oh, thank goodness that isn’t us.” We never used to have issues with keeping screen time to a minimum, but lately the accumulated hours have crept up on us.

So, goodnight iPad. Goodnight TV. Goodnight iPhone-in-restaurants. Goodnight video games of any kind.

Hello conversation. Hello toys and games and books. Hello puzzles and mazes. Hello blocks, Legos. Hello wrestling matches, swords flights, and dress up. Hello sketch books, hello colored pencils. Hello creativity and imagination.

Also hello whining and complaining…at first. In my state of exasperation with our screen situation, I eliminated every trace of them from our day. It may have been a little extreme, but cold turkey seemed necessary. Oh yes, there was withdrawal. The symptoms included angry faces, sad voices, confusion, boredom, chronic whining, and constant shouts from mom to, “Go do something!”

And then eventually…contentment. Cooperation. Ingenuity.

It’s been a few weeks now, since we said “goodnight” to the screens, and the kids haven’t been asking for them. They get up in the morning and go to the pantry for cereal instead of the iPad for games. When they’re bored, they don’t immediately think of watching a show. They go to the bookshelf or the game cabinet. Our arts and crafts supplies are dwindling, the playroom is a happy mess, and JJ always has a toy in his hands.

Will screens eventually creep back into our day? I’m sure. But I’m contented to have come to a point where they don’t seem necessary for engagement. Without the devices, we are engaging more with each other…imagine that! I know that technology affords us the convenience of connecting us to the world, but I see healthier connections made without it. Skip the digital connections please, I’ll take the interpersonal ones any day.

We got home with plenty of time to get a tree from a local farm. Right next to a horse pasture, Panga wandered over to check it out. She’s so tough from this side of the fence, all woofing and pouncing around.

Yikes, someone got too close.

We don’t get a lot of snow here in Oregon, but the mornings have been frosty this month. The nighttime fog is beautiful frozen onto the landscape.

No matter the month, every time we wake up to frost out the windows, the kids cheer, “It’s Christmas!” I guess that’s the conclusion they make from every Christmas book, picture, movie, or show they see. Christmas equals snow, so any whiteness resembling snow on the ground must equal Christmas.

It started to look a little more like Christmas inside the house as we got our decorations up, including two impromptu stockings Elia fashioned for the rats.

She asked Santa to please fill the stockings for the rats, too.

An evening trip to the zoo meant no animals, but plenty to see.

The live animals go in for the night, and the light-up animals come on display.

Hot chocolate is a must when waiting in line for the night zoo train.

A little surprise we discovered inside our tree. What kind of creature did this belong to?

It wasn’t this little friend:

Cookies gets cozy in JJ’s sleeve as she eats a small treat. We did send her into the branches of the tree to climb around for a while and see who might be living in there. Spiders galore, but no small animals in the nest.

My favorite part of the holiday is Christmas eve dinner; soup from scratch and homemade bread. A simple meal that we eat by candlelight and remark on how much goodness and joy we have in our lives. All year round, our lives are rich with the essence of Christmas; it’s nice to take a quiet evening to reflect upon this. Of course, we also share our excitement in giving each other gifts the next morning.

Elia made this candle from scraps of modeling wax and a piece of string. I love it.

JJ enjoys a snack by the Christmas tree, while someone discreetly tries to make her presence known.

Hm, can I get any closer? Or focus my eyes more intently? Maybe I can perk my ears up higher to let you know that I’m very interested in what you have.  That, what I’m staring at. I want what you have.

As this season of reflection draws to a close, I am looking toward the new year. We’ve spent so much time at home this month, it will be sad to get back into our regular routine again next week. But back into it we will get, and I have plans, lots of plans. Can’t wait to see you all again in the new year!