When No Doesn’t Mean No

April 5, 2012 at 7:52 am (Attachment Parenting, Positive Discipline)

The word “No” can make a terrible first impression. Sometimes it just doesn’t convey everything it intends. Especially if it comes from a young child: it’s not quite as literal as it seems.

Upon first impression, “No!” sounds like:

  • I refuse.
  • I won’t listen.
  • I’m defying you.
  • I don’t respect you.

Those are usually our first thoughts upon being told No by our children. It’s a feeling, an impression that rubs us the wrong way. We bristle at the blatant defiance.

Except you know how laughter doesn’t mean a child is laughing at you (unless you’re my goofy and highly entertaining husband), but is more of an expression of immense enjoyment and agreeability? It’s a manifestation of all the happiness they’re feeling in that moment.

A shouted No is like the opposite of that. It’s the unpleasant feelings and unmet needs surfacing verbally in the easiest language available. No.

If we can take a minute to translate the No into what’s behind it, where it’s coming from, what it really means…

  • I don’t like this.
  • I’m angry.
  • I disagree.
  • I’m sad.
  • I don’t want to.
  • I’m frustrated.
  • I don’t need help.
  • I’m disappointed.
  • I would really rather be doing something else.
  • I’m autonomous and need to make my own choices.

…we get an expression of a valid feeling or a valid need. Yet we often find a reaction of our child’s No unacceptable. Children are quite capable of strong feelings and quite incapable of articulating them. “Using their words” is hard…except for the one that suffices when they don’t know what else to say. No. It’s a simple and powerful way to express complicated feelings.

Keep in mind that No is less about defiance and more of an expression of dislike (especially for the under-7 crowd). And since we want to teach our kids that all of their feelings and needs are always OK, we can start by finding their Nos acceptable. This means searching for that translation behind it; articulating and validating it for them.

  • I know you don’t like this, and it needs to get done anyway.
  • You’d rather not; you’d rather keep playing. I understand.
  • It’s a hard job, and I’m here to help you.
  • You’re angry. It’s OK to be mad.
  • You have your own ideas. What would help you get this done?

When it comes to a child’s No, take a step back to consider what’s behind it. Distance yourself from the defiance. Listen for the translation and give No a second chance.

We used to hear the word No a lot when we’d play the game of Life. JJ had much difficulty handing over $1,000 for someone’s new baby, or paying $10,000 to inherit a skunk farm. I can’t imagine why!

“No! I won’t pay!” And he’d hide his money under himself to ensure it stayed in his possession.

His No translated to extreme disappointment and frustration.

I’d empathize, “I know it’s so hard to lose money! Especially because in real life I’m thinking you probably wouldn’t buy these things. Certainly the hardest part of playing this game is paying on the pay squares. I completely agree!”

And the payment would be happily handed flung over.


  1. Take Time For Training said,

    I consider your blog such a gift. Your perspective consistently opens my eyes a little wider. Thank you so much.

  2. Vivian Bachelier said,

    Good article for parents to reflect upon 🙂

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