Everyone is a Child’s Teacher
This week I gave a presenation for a symposium of childcare workers. It was wonderful to see so many people who work with young children show their care and love for their students! After the talk, one attendee approached me with a question. She prompted it by saying, “I know you were talking about what teachers should do in their classrooms–how they can communicate better with students–but I’m not a teacher…I run a daycare out of my home and I take care of just a few kids. But I was just wondering…” At which point she started to proceed with her question.
At which point I gently interrupted saying, “Wait a minute, wait a minute…you ARE a teacher!” She responded by saying that she did not go to school for teaching and was not a licensed educator.
I asked her, “Do you have children in your care each day?” Yes. “Do you interact with them regularly?” Yes. “Then you are a teacher. The children in your care are learning from you. And don’t worry about your official title, because children learn more from those who take care of them and interact regularly with them than they do from anyone who is simply their ‘licensed educator’.”
- Children learn from those who engage with them–giving eye contact, smiles, handshakes, and hugs.
- Children learn from those to whom they feel a similarity–a feeling of being alike or being the same.
- Children learn from those whom they feel are on their team–someone who is on their side, advocating for them.
- Children learn from those to whom they feel significant–a sense of belonging in the relationship.
- Children learn from those who exude love--when gestures of affection come from the heart.
- Children will learn from those who know them–a deep level of trust and connection.
This is true for anyone who is in regular contact and communication with children. You may not be planning lessons, projects, and homework assignments for them, but kids who interact with you are learning from you. You may not have a specific classroom, but instead any room in which you are present: this is where learning occurs. You may not be teaching derivatives, latin roots, or Mendel’s dihybrid cross, but every day, every interaction you are teaching the children in your care things they need to know to be successful in life.
- “I am important. I matter in this environment and in this relationship.”
- “I am nourished. I am getting what I need to grow.”
- “I am capable. I can handle challenges and recover from failures.”
- “I am autonomous. I have power over my choices and actions.”
- “I am safe. I will not be harmed.”
- “I am accepted. My feelings are normal, and my behavior is forgivable.”
These are the things they learn from you, their teacher, no matter what official title you may have. So if you think you’re not a child’s teacher, think again. You are. We all are. Children learn from the adults in their lives how to engage with the world, where they fit in, and the tremendous range of capabilities they possess. Academics aside, what lessons will you teach today?
Happy Mother’s Day
Taking time today to celebrate the occasion (motherhood), but also reflecting on the past (pre-motherhood–what that was like!) and looking ahead to what’s yet to come. May the future bring us more of the little moments of parenthood that make today so great. Little moments, lots of love, and a lifetime of gratitude for these two kiddos that make me a mom.
Don’t Take Your Child’s Feelings Personally
Sometimes, I make decisions or set limits that my kids don’t like (OK, probably more often than sometimes). From video games, to friends coming over to play, to staying up late…there are plenty of limits on which my kids and I disagree. And I have one child in particular who makes saying no difficult. Not because he’s too cute or sweet to say no to, but because every no brings a very vocal wave of unhappiness–whining, arguments, belligerence. With this child, I totally understand the inclination to be permissive; to say Yes just to avoid the aftermath of No. It can be emotionally exhausting.
But I do say no, and I do let his feelings come. To avoid the emotional exhaustion that follows in the wake of normal parenting decisions and interactions, I try to remember three things:
- They’re his feelings, not mine. He is capable of handling them, just as I am capable of handling my own feelings. I do not need to try to fix them.
- I am not the cause of his feelings. I will take care of my kids by meeting their needs on a regular basis–this means setting limits, ensuring safety, and nourishing them physically and emotionally. I will do that, and their happiness is up to them.
- It’s not personal. My kids’ feelings are not a personal slight against me. I am not a bad mom if my kids are ever upset. I didn’t do anything wrong by saying No.
Remembering these things helps to put some distance between myself and my child’s emotional turmoil. Readers, you know I am all about staying connected to kids, but at times like these, I can feel too close. I take my kids’ emotions personally. Their upset feelings upset me. Their hurts are my hurts. Their frustrations make me antsy. I want to help. I want to step in and fix what’s wrong. I want to take away their problems and just make everyone happy again.
It’s this line of thinking is not entirely helpful for raising capable, confident kids. Children will often become upset by the decisions we make as parents, and you know what? That’s OK! That is the only way they will develop a sense of capability, coping, problem solving, and general resilience. A child feeling upset is not a problem for parents to solve.
Remembering this allows me to put some distance between me and the emotional meltdown. When I can distance myself, I can empathize instead of sympathize. (What’s the difference?). I can offer support instead of special services or coddling (“Oh here, I’ll do ___ for you. Does that help?”). I can trust instead of rescue. I can be a more calm, confident mom.
That said, there are ways to maintain a connected relationship while distancing yourself from a child’s in-the-moment feelings. Here’s how:
- Pause. Take a breath. Give kids give time and space with their own feelings. This means you set the limit and accept the feelings that ensue. Don’t get angry with children for their feelings or tell them not to be upset.
- Check in. Periodically ask how they’re doing. This is not the time to talk about the situation, but just to let them know you understand how they feel. “I know you’re mad, and that’s OK. Would you like a hug?” Trust in their ability to handle their feelings.
- Follow-up. Always come back together and do something fun. You can touch base on the previous situation, or not. But do something with your child that he enjoys and will foster some connective energy between the two of you. Make cookies, play games, go for a walk, dig in the garden, ride bikes, read, go to the park, blow bubbles….pretty much anything you do together will communicate to your child that you love and accept him despite his anger at you, and you’re not holding his feelings against him.
As much as we love it when our kids are expressing their happiness, it just is not our job to ensure that they are happy all of the time. It’s OK to say no. It’s OK to distance yourself from the onslaught of emotions so you are better able to respond with kindness, firmness, empathy, and trust (trust that they will survive it).
What about you? Do you ever have a hard time separating yourself from your child’s feelings? What do you find most helpful in those moments?
When Does Discipline Begin?
Parents often ask, “When should I start disciplining my child? At what age is it appropriate?” It is a common question of when it’s time to transition from the nurturing parenting of babyhood to using more of the “discipline” tools of toddlerhood and beyond.
To answer this, we first need to clarify what discipline actually is. I have come away from using the term “discipline” in the traditional sense. That is, in which the definitions include “punishment” and “control gained by enforcing obedience or order.” (Merriam-Webster)
I think in this age of informed parenting, in which we know so much more about how children grow, learn, and thrive, that definition of discipline as applied to parenting is becoming obsolete. When we know that children respond to adult leadership when a respectful relationship is in place, there is no need to adhere to the authoritarian style of traditional “discipline” to raise competent kids. When we realize that behavior is a form of communication, relationship must be the goal in order to foster that communication. And when relationship is the goal, there is no need for punishment. The true necessity, then, is to build and sustain securely attached relationships and not let the shame and fear of “discipline” get in the way.
Discipline (when it is used in conjunction with the attachment process) means responding to behavior…pleasant, unpleasant, or something in between. Discipline is the response we bring; the communication we cultivate; the relationship we preserve. It’s…
- setting a limit
- helping a child calm down in the face of strong emotions
- creating a morning or bedtime routine
- providing an infant with a nursing necklace for his busy hands
- a nightly bedtime back rub
- letting an infant know that you are about to pick her up
- baby-proofing the outlets
- giving a preschooler choices
- removing a restless toddler from a restaurant
- asking a child for his thoughts
- helping a child sleep by transitioning yourself out of the bedtime routine
- changing a diaper
- seeing a child become frustrated and not immediately rescuing him
- brainstorming with a child to find a solution to a problem
- thanking a child for her helpful contributions and kindness
- giving a baby one piece of food at a time on her plate during a ‘throwing’ stage.
- allowing a child to cry
- rewinding and taking a do-over
- modeling an apology
These are just a few of the kinds of actions that are considered discipline that don’t necessarily look like discipline–actions in which the parent’s intent is not to control, but to guide. The intent is not to contribute shame, but to invite communication. The intent is not to prove authority, but to support a child’s developmental process. The intent is not to cause pain, but to meet a need.
All this to say that discipline begins when behavior begins; when communiction begins; when our desire to guide our kids begins; when our intent to support their growth begins; when our aim to meet their needs begins. Discipline begins when our relationship begins: at birth.
The best discipline doesn’t look like discipline because you’ve been doing it your child’s whole life.
As infants, we repond to our children’s needs. We hold them, feed them, change them, respond to their communication, ensure their sleep, health, and safety. Our infants grow; their behavior and methods of communication change, but their needs stay the same. They need closeness, bonding, security, trust, food, sleep, safety, understanding, acceptance, and security. Parents think discipline has to start at a certain age, but it really just needs to continue from birth. Because the discipline we’re talking about is tuning in to our alpha instinct; it comes from the heart, aims for connection, and invites a child to depend on us to meet their needs.
Example: Saying no to a child’s request for candy leads to a tantrum and the subsequent question of how to “discipline” her.
The Need: (is not the candy.) The needs of the child are proper nutrition, confident authority from the parent, healthy limits set, and emotional connection with the parent.
Your Response: Kindly and firmly say no (meets the need for limits). Be confident in your decision (meets the need for authority). Accept her feelings and tears about it. Empathize to show you understand (meets the need for emotional connection). Don’t give her candy (meets the need for physical nutrition).
A simple example, but all behavior that seems to need “discipline” follows a similar model. When does discipline begin? It begins with bonding with our babies, and continues with responding to their communication and meeting their needs through every stage of development. There is not an “age of discipline,” but a lifetime of relationship-building.
For Judgmental Comments, Stand Tall
The topic of parental judgement has come up in some communication I’ve recently had with other parents, and has made me realize: it happens. I think at one time or another we have all experienced a critical comment or two about our approach to child-rearing. Parenting is a topic that is varied, important, and extremely personal. No two children, parents, or families are alike, so neither are any two parenting styles. Yet, we often hear comments and concerns from others about about the way we’re doing things with our kids. Criticism, whether it’s given directly or passively, leave us feeling angry and offended, maybe even a little hurt or doubtful of the choices we’re making. It has happened to me, and it has brought me down.
But lately, it’s been bringing me down less and less. Maybe as my kids get older, there is less to criticize. Maybe I’m becoming more aware of other parents’ perspectives (hence, their own struggles). Maybe I’m just maturing as a parent.
The more I hear harsh or judgmental comments from others about some aspect of my life, the more I come to realize that those comments are more a reflection of the person’s own feelings than they are a criticism of me.
If we are not confident in our decisions in how we raise our families, we are susceptible to the weight that our critics will bear upon us. If we are not standing tall, there is room on our backs for the burden of someone else’s emotions. Because that’s where judgement comes from: emotion.
- Judgement comes from anger. Someone is upset–either about the issue at-hand or about something unrelated–and they’re lashing out with harsh words and a critical tone.
- Judgment comes from fear. Someone is afraid for your safety, a child’s safety, or their own safety; afraid of losing face; afraid of making a mistake; afraid of being wrong; afraid of being judged by others.
- Judgment comes from insecurity. Someone is trying to build up confidence in their own decisions by finding fault in yours.
- Judgement comes from hurt. Someone close to you is taking your choices as a slight against them.
- Judgement comes from guilt. Someone feels remorseful for a mistake from their past and surfaces in the form of “helpful” criticism.
So what do we do when faced with judgmental comments? We stand tall. Don’t give another person’s displaced emotions a place to rest on your back. Know yourself. Know your family. Stay informed. Be confident. Know that the critic’s feelings are about the critic, not you.
It can be hard to withstand critical comments; some are well-meaning, while others have no such intent. But we can always respond to speaker’s feelings instead of their words.“It sounds like you have experience with this kind of situation…That must have been very difficult…You are worried I’m making a mistake…You made the best choice for your family…You’re afraid this decision will hurt us in the long run…” Acknowledge their feelings, either out loud in conversation or silently in your head to remind yourself of where this person might be coming. They are coming from somewhere. But that’s their journey.
When we don’t take on the emotions of others, we have the strength to stand tall for ourselves and our families.
