Blinded by Behavior
Being a parent has taught me to see children through a new set of eyes. Rather, through being a connected-parent-who-is-focused-on-child-development-and-nonviolent-communication, I have come to see children’s behavior through a new set of eyes. Behavior can be a bit misleading, especially when it tugs on my emotional triggers, and I tend to react with strong emotion. When I first started seeing “triggering” behavior in my youngest child’s toddlerhood, I looked at it with a blind eye.
Where there was hitting, I saw violence.
Where there was whining and pestering, I saw an annoyance.
Where there was “not listening,” or not following directions, I saw disobedience.
But I wasn’t seeing the behavior. Not really. I would feel outraged that a child (my child!) could be so selfish, mean, or insensitive, and all I wanted to do was put a stop to this unacceptable behavior. But when that was all that I allowed myself to perceive of the situation, I wasn’t able to see what was really going on. Because the behavior was coming from somewhere. My child was not being a problem, she was having a problem. And just treating the behavior without addressing the underlying problem, I was only trying to solve my own problem, all the while masking hers.
During those early years, as I searched for “what to do” about my young child’s behavior, I came to realize two things:
1. The answers–our answers–weren’t in books. No one else had the answer for what do to in response to my child’s behavior. I came to understand that I already had the answers. They were in my heart and in our strength of connection, and I needed to trust what those answers were for us.
2. These answers weren’t in response to the problems I thought they were. As my daughter grew, and as my son grew, I began to see their behavior–the depths of it–and to really understand where the right response should begin.
The problem is not a child’s aggression, it’s the child’s overwhelming and misplaced emotions. The solution becomes about empathy and acceptance and creating a sense of belonging–misplaced emotions and all.
The problem is not the annoyance, it’s the child’s feeling of distance and insignificance. The solution is not further pushing away of the child, but increased involvement and emotional connection.
The problem is not the disobedience, it’s the lack of opportunity for autonomy and initiative. The solution, then, is not about issuing harsher threats to gain compliance, but about creating more opportunities for personal power for the child and communicating trust in using those opportunities.
So, when we ask ourselves, What is an appropriate response to hitting? What should I do when my child whines about everything? How do I get my child to listen to my directions?, know that the answers aren’t found in books, but are already within us. The key to finding them is to see the behavior in its entirety, leaving nothing masked. Don’t look on the surface but go deeper. Look past the trigger point and into the inner workings, for there is the source of the problem, and there is where the solution will begin. Don’t just look at behavior, see it, and you’ll find what to do.
Never Stop Holding Hands
I remember when my children were newborns, they used to grasp my finger when I laid it in their tiny palms. A tight little grasp that seemed to say, “This is what I need. I want you here with me, and I’m not letting go.” I know it wasn’t cognitive; it was a reflex. A sign of normal brain functioning that slowly disappeared as they matured.
Though the reflex faded, the hand-holding didn’t. I continued to put my hand in theirs every opportunity I could. Maybe I was still checking to see if the reflex was still there. In some way, I think it was. You put your hand into a child’s hand and they can’t seem to help holding it back.
I held my kids’ hands when I bounced them on my lap, when they took their first steps, and when we toddled around the yard. I held their hands during doctor appointments, going to various classes, and meeting new people. I even held their hands when they didn’t need to be held. Like when they’d ride on my back in the soft carrier and I’d criss-cross my arms to grasp their little hands around my sides. Or when we were just sitting next to each other on the couch reading or watching a movie, or sometimes when we’d sit across from each other in a restaurant. There was never a time when I didn’t enjoy having their hands in mine.
Over the years and in a variety of situations, I have held my children’s hands gently, safely, respectfully, kindly, lovingly, firmly, and habitually.
Above all, purposefully. A mother’s touch provides children with an instant sense of belonging. Our embraces say, “You are here with me, and this is exactly where you belong.”
Most recently, I held my kids’ hands as we navigated the parks at Disney World. In these busy parks, I never worried about where they were or that they might run off and disappear into the sea of bodies that filled park walkways. Because my kids never stopped seeking my hands. My hand-hold with each of them was their point of security in an extremely stimulating, constantly noisy, constantly busy environment. My hand, as it always has been, was their connection to safety. It was where they belonged, and it was where they wanted to be. Walking hand in hand.
First, Just Show Up
Recently, I’ve gotten into a rhythm of exercising. It had always been in the back of my mind that I wanted to work out regularly, get fit, and lose a few extra pounds. The thing is, it’s harder than it sounds to make that happen.
Whenever I set a fitness goal, I quickly get focused on results. And when I’m not getting the results I want as quickly as I want, I get discouraged. It becomes easy to say, “Oh, I’ll just have a cookie (or 5).” At which point, I’m surely not going to get the results that I want!
Lately, though, I’ve been showing up at the gym. Just that. Not really trying so hard, but just being there, going though the motions of activities I enjoy. I did this a few times a week for several weeks. I just made it a point to regularly complete something physical with no pressure on myself to perform, improve, or excel.
I began to get in the habit of being present at the gym. It started to feel right to be there, and I wanted to continue it. When I wasn’t focused on results–just presence–I ended up getting results. Which made it easier to want to be there.
How does this relate to parenting? When making a change in the way we do things, the first step is just to show up. Not to be focused on the results, but just to be present. Attuned. Engaged. Aware. Attentive. That’s what “showing up” looks like in parenting, and that’s what will lead to the results we want. Take time to get into a rhythm of presence with your kids. Move presence from the back of your mind to the front, and focus on being there instead of on the results you want.
First and foremost, make it a priority to show up.
Parenting From Scratch 