Nominations Needed for Books and Blogs
At least once a year I do a round-up of some of the best parenting resources. As I keep up with parenting research and literature, check out new books on the market, and read numerous daily blogs, I love sharing with you what I’m reading. That’s what helps me the most on my parenting journey: reading a variety of perspectives and examples of positive parenting.
Every time I do one of these “best of” posts, I inevitably get emails saying, “Oh, but you didn’t include this one, it’s so great!” And, “You should definitely check out this book…you’d love it!” I’m always grateful for the recommendations, and I’m always sorry I hadn’t known about them before.
I am going to continue doing these round-up posts, and I would love your help!
If you have a blog, book, or organization that you love for parenting support, let me know. I am searching for new blogs to add to my RSS feed, great books that I haven’t read yet, and any other parenting resources that helps parents find respectful, effective ways to raise kids.
I most likely won’t be able to feature all of them in one post, but I would love as many of your recommendations as you have. I’ll eventually narrow them down to keep the list concise and truly “best of.” Here’s what makes a great parenting resource:
- Based in unconditional parenting (a non-behaviorist approach). We’re aiming for a list of connection-based parenting resources–ones that show an understanding of child development, emotional responsiveness and overall respect for children.
- Updated regularly. Blogs don’t have to be updated frequently, but they should be tended to consistently.
- High quality. That is, beside being helpful, encouraging, concise, and/or visually engaging, blogs and books should be well-written and organizations should be professional.
Other than that, I’d love to know of resources that fit a variety of styles and tastes. From practical to foundational, from your best friend’s new book to your own personal blog. Dad blogs, nonprofits, podcasts…there is so much great parenting stuff out there.
Please send an email to kelly@kellybartlett.net with the subject heading “Nomination for Best Parenting Resources.” Send them to me as often as you want or whenever you find a resource you love. The sooner I learn of these awesome resources, the more time I will have to review and get familiar with them.
I look forward to your “best of”s! Thank you for your help in building a strong parenting community, and here’s to parenting mindfully!
Connecting With Your Children Means Being Vulnerable With Them
My 4-year-old son saw the tears in my eyes and dashed out of the room. A few seconds later JJ returned with a Kleenex and crouched on the floor next to me, wanting to be helpful and caring, waiting for me to put the tissue to use. As I blew my nose he looked taken aback and stammered, “Oh, um…that…that was actually for you to dry your eyes.”
“Oh!” I responded, “I’m sorry babe. I needed it most for my nose right then.”
“Yeah. That–that was for dabbing your tears. Oh but that’s OK! You can still use it to blow your nose. I’ll go get you another one.”
This little exchange cheered me immensely, as I recovered from a moment of mommy overwhelm. I can’t remember what brought on my tears that day. It seems it was something insignificant, like I needed paper towels to clean up a spill, only to discover I was completely out–everywhere, in every cabinet all over the house. That, combined with the day’s-week’s-month’s collection of other moments just like it had pushed me over the edge and I was overcome with the futility of motherhood’s tasks. Never ending; never going the way they “should.”
But then JJ was there, seeing me cry, draping his arm lightly over my back as I (mis)used his Kleenex, indicating that my being upset bothered him; reminding me that I mattered to him. I remember one other time I roasted a chicken for dinner. And while that itself should be something to be proud of, I hadn’t prepared one morsel of anything else. No vegetable, no potato, no bread, not even a sauce for the chicken. Not even a pre made removed-from-the-fridge-and-set-on-the-table kind of sauce or side. As I looked around the table at each person’s big white plate with a solitary piece of chicken on it and all the empty space around it where other foods should be, I began to break down. I said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more for dinner tonight.”
My husband and kids, who hadn’t been complaining one bit about the dinner, all jumped up and ran around the table to put their arms around me in a much-needed hug. I cried for all the feelings of “not good enough” that had been building in me for several days-weeks-months. But here, smothering me with love and thanks, were three examples of how I am exactly good enough for them.
My family has comforted me many times in my moments of vulnerability. In those moments I get to see–no, I get to feel–the softness of their hearts.
Every time my son expresses concern that a small animal might be lost from his mother, or when my daughter rescues a snail from a crushing death on the sidewalk, I am reminded that the reason for such softness is exactly because of our shared moments of vulnerability. The paper towel and chicken dinner moments. The loss-of-a-pet and regret-for-my-actions moments. The didn’t-make-the-team and hurt-by-a-friend and not-good-enough moments. All those times when we’ve been there for each other–when we’ve listened to our children’s tears, accepted their feelings, comforted them in times of distress, and connected with them when it might have been easy to push them away–have ensured that their hearts are not defended with layers of armor. They remain soft and open and capable of connecting to others.
I don’t want to shield my kids from my own vulnerabilities. I want them to see me cry. I want them to know feelings are not something to defend against. I want them to know that connection always trumps emotional guardedness and that it’s not possible to have meaningful connection without vulnerability.
When our children see our own tears, hear the depth of our feelings, and watch as we accept comfort from others and forgive our own imperfections, we model that vulnerability is not weakness. It’s not a burden too much to bear. In fact, it’s a starting point for connection, and when we are deeply connected to others, life will never be too much to bear.
3 Tips for Shame-Free Discipline
Brené Brown has been on my iPod a lot lately. Between Daring Greatly, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting, and The Power of Vulnerability, her work has had an influence on my life. Brené is a researcher from the University of Houston who studies things that are not easily studied: shame, vulnerability, and courage. Not things that are easy to talk about, either. But things that affect the quality of our lives, and things that are imperative to consider when it comes to raising children.
The underlying mantra of positive parenting is “connection before correction.” This means that any ‘correcting’ (teaching, guiding, etc.) that a parent must do won’t happen effectively unless a strong relationship is in place first. It means the degree of correction depends on the strength of connection, and only when a child feels a sense of belonging; a sense of significance; a sense of attachment does maturation occur.
On the topic of shame Brené says, “Human beings are hard-wired for connection, love, and belonging. And shame is the sense that we are unworthy: unworthy of love, unworthy of belonging, unworthy of connection.”
So for everything positive parenting is based in, shame is a toxin. Shameful discipline undermines the emotional connection we have with our kids and instead gives them a sense that they are unworthy of love and belonging.
When we endeavor to raise kids in a consistently loving, unconditional, secure environment, we must aim to keep shame out of that environment. How can we do this? When a child destroys property or hurts a friend or “experiments” in the kitchen, how can we respond in a way that doesn’t cause her to experience shame? How can we communicate that we love our children–and that they are worthy of that love–even through situations that we might not love?
1. Take out the “You.”
Oh, look what you did!
You broke it!
What did you do?
Who did this?!
Blame doesn’t accomplish anything except to make a person feel bad. A young child who is still developing so much of his identity and sense of self is more likely to think “I am bad,” than, “I made a mistake.” That’s not to say you shouldn’t express your surprise or concern for the situation. Just try to eliminate the finger pointing…
Oh, look what happened!
Oh no, it’s broken!
Oh my gosh, there is poop everywhere!
It’s the same overall reaction, without the shaming element of “you”. For example, let’s say your 5-year-old hits his 2-year-old sister. Before you jump in and accuse him with, “What did you just do to your sister?” try to take out the “you” and just gain understanding.
Parent: What happened?
Child: We were playing!
Parent: And?
Child: And she took my toy!
Parent: And?
Child: And I didn’t want her to!
Parent: And you were angry?
Child: Yes!
Parent: And you hit her?
Child: Yes, but she shouldn’t have done that!
So eventually you can get to the “you,” after some curiosity questions to understand the child’s perspective, but try to avoid it right away as a an accusation of blame. Keep your connection strong by focusing on what happened and just getting the facts first.
2. Add in a “We.”
Let a child know you’re on her team. She may have made a mistake, but you’re there to help her fix it. What kids need in the face of their mistakes is support. If they’re old enough to fix their own mistakes, you can support and encourage them to do just that. If they’re very young, you can step in and let them know you’re right there with them.
How can we fix it?
What should we do now?
We need to clean this up. You go get rags and wipe the counters. I’ll get the garbage can and pick up the pieces.
The purpose of the “we” step is to communicate with your words and actions that you are on her side. You don’t think your child is a bad person for a mistake she made.
3. Acknowledge and Thank
Give the child credit for fixing his mistake, and reestablish that it’s OK. Life goes on. There is no need to go over and over the situation, rehashing the mistake that was made, and reinforcing the lesson of what he learned for “next time.” Instead of dwelling of what went wrong, focus on what went right.
Thank you for your help!
I appreciate you making things right with your sister.
The bathroom looks great.
I know you didn’t mean for that to happen, but you really took care of fixing it.
Most importantly, acknowledge kids’ efforts in fixing their mistakes, and make it clear you don’t hold those mistakes against them. Reaffirm that they are worthy of love and belonging through any of life’s obstacles.
Changing That Which (We Think) We Cannot Change; Forming New Habits
This morning, my daughter wanted to help me make scrambled eggs for breakfast. This is something I make often in the mornings, as it is quick and healthful and something my kids like to eat. And though I gladly welcomed my 8-year-old’s help in the kitchen, I found it hard to turn myself off autopilot when it came to making eggs. More than once, Elia said to me, “Um, mom…I wanted to do that,” when I turned on the stove, put the butter in the pan, or selected the eggs to use. I kept exclaiming, “Oh, I’m sorry! It’s just habit.”
In life, and in parenting, we have habits. Some can be healthy or helpful, like making breakfast or brushing your teeth or locking the door behind when you come inside. Others can be unhelpful, annoying, or even detrimental to our well-being, like leaving your clothes on the floor or that daily afternoon sugar fix or yelling at drivers on the road. It’s these unhealthy habits that can hinder our efforts at parenting, as they may get in the way of our relationship with our kids, the skills we’re trying to teach them, or both.
A habit of always picking up towels on the floor may enable a child who is capable of doing such things for himself.
A habit of saying “no” may rob a child of an opportunity to try and to learn something new.
A habit of yelling at a child when she’s made a mistake may discourage her from coming to you for help with future problems.
I recently read the book, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg and found it very relevent to our work as parents. Because habits can be so powerful in our lives and relationships, it’s worth it to take a closer look at some of the habits we have with our kids and discover why we have them and how to change them (if so desired). I know I have habits I’d like to change, but to do that, it helps to understand why they exist. I’d like to share with you a few key excerpts from the book and what I’ve come to understand:
This [habit] process within our brain is a three step loop. First there is a cue, a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use…Cues can be almost anything, from a visual trigger such as a candy bar or a television commercial to a certain place, a time of day, and emotion, a sequence of thoughts, or the company of particular people.
For example, bickering, hitting, teasing or some other kind of behavior that pushes our buttons. Our child’s behavior is the cue that triggers a habit loop.
Then there is the routine which can be physical, mental or emotional…Routines can be incredibly complex or fantastically simple (some habits, such as those related to emotions are measured in milliseconds).
Routines are varied; we all have routines we’d like to change when it comes to responding to our kids’ behavior. We may snap, yell, spank, grab, speak unkindly, use sarcasm, etc…
Finally, there is a reward which helps your brain figure out if this particular loop is worth remembering for the future. Over time this loop–cue, routine, reward–becomes more and more automatic.
When we have these kinds of habitual responses with our kids, typically the reward is that the unpleasant behavior stops. But the reward may also be something more emotional, like a sense of power or validation of your parenting.
Habits, as much as memory and reason, are at the root of how we behave. We might not remember the experiences that create our habits, but once they are lodged within our brains they influence how we act–often without realization.
There is a reason many parents use harsh or punitive measures to respond to kids’ unpleasant behavior: they work. In the moment. And as we experience more and more of those moments, we’ve gone through the cue, routine, reward loop enough times that now a harsh response is a habit.
The golden rule of habit change that study after study has shown is among the most powerful tool for creating change…You can never truly extinguish bad habits. Rather, to change a habit, you must keep the old cue and deliver the old reward, but insert a new routine.
This is why it’s important to recognize the cues and rewards surrounding the habit you want to change. Understand the reward you’re getting from your habitual behavior, then create a different routine that will yield the same reward.
For example, when my kids were toddlers, I worked on changing my habit of yelling at them. I thought that by yelling, I was getting their attention, conveying the seriousness of the situation, and scaring them into stopping whatever unpleasant behavior was occurring. It turns out the reward I was actually getting from this habit wasn’t what I thought it was. I thought the reward was the end of the unpleasant behavior. But that was unlikely, as the behavior would frequently start up again almost as soon as I had finished yelling.
Turns out, my reward in this habit loop was an emotional release. I was venting in an attempt to help myself feel better. I even remember thinking, “I know I shouldn’t yell, but I want to and I need to!” It wasn’t to change my kids’ behavior, but because I needed to get my anger out of my system.
What I ended up doing to break my yelling habit was to take more timeouts for myself. I replaced the routine of yelling with a routine of a mama-timeout. When I felt myself wanting to yell, I told my kids, “I feel like I’m going to yell. I’m going to go to my room until I feel better.” After I had taken the time to calm down, I was able to talk to my kids empathically and problem solve rationally. Same cues (unpleasant behavior); same reward (dissipated anger); new routine in the middle, one that was healthier for our relationship.
I love this diagram by Gary Keller, author of The ONE Thing; the surprisingly simple truth behind extraordinary results:
It shows how we must put a ton of effort into forming new habits in the beginning of the journey, and how it decreases with time (with a new habit taking hold after an average of about 66 days of active practice).
Most importantly, changing habits takes belief.
It was belief that made a difference…For a habit to stay changed, people must believe change is possible. And most often, that belief only emerges with the help of a group. Belief is essential, and it grows out of a communal experience, even if that community is only as large as two people.
In parenting, supporting communities are essential. Find your tribe of like-minded parents who have been through what you’re going through. Find those who have developed habits that strengthen their family relationships. Find them so they can support you in doing the same. Find them so you will believe change is possible.
We know that change can happen. Alcoholics can stop drinking. Smokers can quit puffing. You can stop biting your nails or stop snacking at work, yelling at your kids, staying up all night, or worrying over small concerns. And as scientists have discovered, it’s not just individual lives that can shift when habits are tended to. It’s also companies organizations, and communities.
Do You Keep to the Surface or Go Deep?
Have you heard of Parkour? I hadn’t until recently. Our family has been watching American Ninja Warrior, an obstacle course that requires near superhuman strength of its competitors, and I’ve noticed that just about every one of the athletes who competes in this event trains in something called Parkour. Parkour is a whole-body sport that is about propelling your body forward, and using obstacles in your environment to help keep you going. It’s pushing off of walls, vaulting over rails, swinging from bars and beams. You get the idea.
You might also get the idea that after an hour class of learning Parkour skills, your body might be sore. I didn’t. Our family took an hour-long Parkour class last weekend, and I never considered that I might not be able to move the next day. Only when I woke up in the morning with my shoulders practically glued together and every inhale a pain around my torso did I realize just how much of my body I had used in jumping those obstacles.
My first thought was to remember the massage I had scheduled for later that day. Then I thought, “Oh, yes, that is exactly what my poor muscles need!” But my third thought was, “Oh wait. No it isn’t. That’s going to be torture.”
And I had to go. The massage was scheduled in a few hours, and at this point I couldn’t cancel without paying a fee. So I went anyway and told my therapist how unexpectedly sore I was. She said, “That’s OK, we just won’t go as deep today.”
So she kept to the surface. She didn’t use her elbow like she usually does. She didn’t isolate the interior muscles and dig into the trigger points while I breathe through the intensity like I’m going through childbirth. For that day she used a light touch on my sorest parts and just skimmed the surface of my “problem” areas.
It felt OK during the session…but it wasn’t the most effective massage. We were making the most of the situation–doing just enough so that it didn’t feel like doing nothing. But it wasn’t doing everything. It wasn’t working to solve any of my deeper muscle issues.
My therapist and I talked about this a bit during the session. She mentioned that she has clients who come in frequently for Swedish massages (the feel-good-in-the-moment, but stick-to-the-surface kind) but what they really need is the deep tissue work. She can tell their muscle tension runs deep, and the only way to effectively work it out is to get at those inner layers of muscle. But she said some clients don’t handle well the kind of intensity and pain that deep tissue work requires. So they stick to the surface massage and come in again and again without really making any progress.
I couldn’t help but think how true this is of behaviors, too. When there are knots and tension in your child’s behavior, what do you do? Try to treat them at the surface, going for a momentary change? Or do you go for the deeper fix, the one that might be more difficult in the moment?
We all have our go-to surface treatments in our parenting toolbox. I do, and I totally know when I’m using them. Tricks and strategies that get me through a moment or a phase of behavior. They’re the ones that are easiest to implement–the ones that feel like I’m doing something just so I’m not doing nothing.
Keep to the surface: Remove a privilege/ fun activity/ favorite toy for a child’s poor behavior.
Go deep: Bring your relationship closer together to stay attuned to the child’s needs as well as to increase cooperation from the child. Recognize that your child is having a problem, not being a problem. Work together to meet the needs and solve the problems.Keep to the surface: Hand your child your iPhone at the restaurant table.
Go deep: Engage child the child in the meal. Meet her needs for developmentally appropriate stimulation and activity (by sitting on your lap, including her in the conversation, playing games, getting up to take walks when necessary, etc.). Continue going out to eat so she regularly practices and learns dining-out skills.Keep to the surface: Replace your child’s broken toy so he won’t be sad.
Go deep: Listen to his feelings about the toy. Accept his sadness as normal and OK. Offer an understanding hug and words of support and empathy. Trust in his strength to recover from this hardship.
The deeper treatments are harder–sometimes harder to administer, sometimes harder to endure. Perhaps they are intense and require some holding and some deep breathing until the tension dissipates. These are the approaches that address problems at the source. There is certainly a time and place for those surface treatments; we all need them once in a while. Just keep in mind what they’re really accomplishing: getting you through the moment. Remember to check in with where things are headed beyond that moment by asking yourself, am I addressing the deeper issues?
The issues that come with raising children are rarely just on the surface. Go deep when you can.
Parenting From Scratch 